Never Be

A random, short story that I felt like writing. I warn you, random.

Walking through the door of her boyfriend’s humble apartment, Rachelle silently closed the door and stood to take in the sight before her. There he was, the love of her life, sitting silently on a bar stool, head in his hands with tears streaming down his face. How was she supposed to be strong when he was so broken?

As quietly as she could, she made her way towards him, each of his silent sobs ringing in her ears. She wondered how to act with him in his current state, she wondered if she could actually maintain her composure.

She laid a hand on his shoulder, but the gentle touch did not faze the man before her. His body, wracked with sobs and she wondered why the news hurt him this much. Was he mad at her or mad at himself?

“Alex?” she called out softly. He didn’t respond.

She took her time as she climbed into the bar stool next to him, discomfort of a new weight making it difficult. She really didn’t know what to say. Shouldn’t she have been the one to tell him?

“Alex?” she tried again. He still did not respond. “Alex, look at me.” She told him more sternly than she had intended. He finally looked up ; his tear stained face causing her to temporarily lose her train of thought. “I know you’re mad, but—“ he cut her off quickly.

“No, don’t.” he begged of her.

“Alex, we need to talk about this!” she said frustrated. “I know I didn’t get to tell you and I know I left, but I’m back and now we can work this out!”

He closed his eyes and found interest in his worn cabinets. “It’s just so much.” He replied.

Rachelle looked down to the floor as shame spread across her features. “I was scared, Alex. I was scared of my parents, my friends, the baby, you.” She poured out her feelings to him and he still elicited no response. “I need you to at least forgive me. I need you to know that I’m sorry for getting pregnant. I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to leave for as long as I did. I just want you back.”

He looked over at her with now sympathetic eyes and she could feel his emotions pierce right through her. Pain, hurt, discomfort, and yet, understanding?

“Babe, it’s not your fault.” He turned and took her hands in his. “Last time I checked, pregnancy was a two-part process.”

She laughed lightly at his response, happy that he didn’t seem mad. She looked up to face him finally and reached out to wipe a stray tear from his handsome face.

“Then what is it? What has got you so upset?” she asked him. She knew she cried herself to sleep for days after finding out about the baby, but this, this just didn’t seem right.

He sighed and played with the bracelet on her wrist – a gift from him to show that they’d always be together. She prayed it still applied now.

She looked to him sternly, waiting for a response. She saw the tears had started back up and then he gave her an answer that tore straight through her soul.

“I know I’d never be a good father.”

For Now

This is just a little something I wrote to describe my current place in life.

She gently laid a hand against the glass and felt the cool sensation it sent along her entire hand. The colors and shapes were driving her crazy. She felt like the dictator of a whole new world, peering in on her inferior people. However, she was no dictator and the fish before her were surely not people. Rather, she was the inferior one, in awe of their glory.

It’s a feeling that she can’t quite explain – the sight of each individual fish with its each individual color, shape, texture, and habits. She wants to be with them - swim with them, name them, love them. Something about fish just inspires her. Odd, but amazing.

It’s not just about fish though. Marine mammals, coral, waves, the ocean – it all brings about feelings that she can’t explain. So badly, she wants to know as much as she can about it and know everything. She wants to be the best of the best, the most knowledgeable marine biologist in the world, she wants to be considered a fish out of water.

However, her time has not yet come. The ocean is meant to be hers one day. God established that when she first threw herself into the salty water of Key Largo, FL and saw the array of life surrounding her. The ocean is meant to be hers and she is meant to be the ocean’s. She sees the ocean as the face of God, presenting itself in individual pieces to inspire awe in those who behold its glory. Yet, it still isn’t her time.

For now, she would have to wait. For now, she would have to dream. For now, aquariums had to be enough.