Anger

Again, this is more of a reflection.

I can feel the red-hot sensation run through my entire body and down to my fingertips. The clenching of my fists can not contain the emotions that run through me and completely encompass my mind. Nothing can contain the fury that I feel and nothing can stop it from pouring out. In an animal-like scream, I yell out, anger pulling on my vocal cords. My anger is something indescribable. It is deep, eliciting from the core of my being. Never have I been able to keep myself from this feeling and again, I fail. With a deep breath, I exhale the remnants of my emotion and find myself completely exhausted. I have to learn to fight this.

Parents

Something in those blue eyes was pulling at me in a way I can never describe. Something in his tiny heart screamed of his innocence. Something in his helpless hands spoke of vulnerability. Something in those precious brown hairs painted beauty. He laughed and it brought tears to my eyes. His innocent, sweet, childish noises created a new space in my heart, all dedicated to him. There would be no other man I loved like him. His tiny hand grabs mine, only fitting around my index finger and I can’t help but give my lips a home on his forehead. I shall always love him. I shall always protect him. He will always be my son and I will always be his mother.

He scared me with his beauty. He frightened me with his innocence. He terrified me with his sweetness. I knew I had to protect all of these things. He was something I could not explain. He was the first man, although tiny, to break my mask. He was the first one to bring out the fear in me. He was the first one that won a kind of love that I cannot explain. I reach for him, ever so gently. He knows who I am and I smile knowing that he is more than special. His gorgeous eyes look up at me and take my breath away. I need not touch him to express my love and compassion. I look down at him as he falls asleep and I feel tears fall from my eyes, breaking my masculine mask. I shall always love him. I shall always protect him. He will always be my son and I will always be his father.

Developed

My legs are fully developed now and I can stand on my own. I can make my own decisions and fight my own fights. Something has changed in me and it’s the power and drive to be my own person. I feel powerful. I feel strong. I feel strengthened. I feel ready to face the world. I feel ready to be in love. I feel ready to fight for my beliefs. One of these days, you’ll see me and you’ll wonder what happened. You’ll wonder how you never knew me. You’ll wonder how you never fell in love. And I’ll be there, ready to remind you of what you’ll never win; to remind you that I am better.

Pawns

My speedometer was nearing 65; not too fast, but definitely fast enough to get a blue light special. The weather was dark and dreary, as was my mood, so the speed didn’t matter to me anymore. I was nearing the end of the road where you have to make a decision to go either right or left. The truck in front of me had made his decision and was slowing down. The red flash of his brake lights nearly burned my eyes with the starkness against the gray sky and faded trees. For any normal person, this would be the time to put your foot on the brake.

But my leg was lead. It did not move. I was subconsciously making a decision, whether I was realizing it or not. The truck was slowing down and had made it to about 25, but I was continuing on, doing nothing but speeding up. Finally, my speedometer was pointing to 75 and the seconds were coming down to nothing. I had a second to decide the rest of my life. I could let it go, let go of everything that has ever weighed down on me. I could totally be free from all the stress and anxiety that has tormented me for so long. Or, I could brake and give in to the world around me. I could give in to being like everyone else; a pawn in a giant game of life.

Finally, my conscious outweighed my true desires and the bumper of the truck in front of me did not make contact with my car or my body. Instead, I slammed on the brakes and took the turn, pulling along behind the truck. I audibly laughed as I stared at his license plate as I know the ignorance of the man driving the vehicle. Little does he know that I almost used his truck for my leisure. Little does anyone know in this world of me or anyone around them.

We’re all just pawns in this game of life.